I want to say I’m not scared of today’s appointment. I want to be bold and proclaim I know God’s got my back. Not that I think for a second that He doesn’t, but there’s, if I’m really honest, that small part in my heart that asks if He did, why I am going through this? I’m human…I was a spoiled Daddy’s girl growing up. And I am a spoiled wife by a loving, wonderful husband. But I have this precious little boy sleeping in the other room that is my life blood to love and protect from all harm and worry and I don’t know what darkness waits for the two of us on the other side of this appointment today. I kinda hoped God would simply carry us easily, peacefully, through this move…I certainly didn’t expect to bottom out upside down in this chasm along the way…
Maybe I’m being melodramatic, putting the panic cart ahead of the horse. But I don’t know of any other circumstance, if there was nothing to be worried about, that they’d cram an appointment in between the surgeries of a neurosurgeon. Surgery days are for surgery. If it was nothing to worry about, my appointment could wait until he had office hours. Maybe cram me in between a couple other patients, but between surgeries? Come on–that’s not normal.
Of course they won’t tell you anything over the phone. Rushed in prescriptions that I had to start immediately. Then we have to swing by the hospital to pick up my films from the MRI and the report from the EEG, head to my doctor’s office and get those records to bring along–I thought they faxed all this stuff or could send it over the computer?? When did patients become messenger services??
I am thankful they’ve postponed my TEE this morning so I can at least have my coffee and breakfast rather than starve and suffer through another caffeine deprived headache, and that I won’t have anything slipped down my throat–today, anyway. I am VERY, very thankful for my friend, Missy, and my uncle who have graciously made time to take me to all these appointments and all my friends who are ushering words of encouragement and praying over me–I definitely couldn’t do all of this without you guys!!
I found this quote from Stormie Omartian’s Just Enough Light for the Step I’m On:
“As you take one step at a time, holding God’s hand and letting Him lead, He will get you where you need to go.”
So, I’m taking one step at a time today…that’s all I can do. And I’ll let Him get me there, through His infinite grace and mercy. And I can still be scared….aren’t we all scared of something? Just gotta keep hanging on…